Chances by Kristine Cruz
Critique Essay by Jude Marck Bagsao
Settings:
Union City, California. House. Flower Shop. School. Hospital.
In Union City, California, there is a 17-years old high school student named Avery. She is beautiful, her hair is long and blonde. She has blue eyes, white and firm skin. She has sharp nose, her lips are kissable red as an apple. She has also had rosy cheeks and has a tiny mole on part of her chin. Fourteen years ago, when Avery was only three years old and a cute little child, her mother named Amanda abandoned her together with her father who named Richard. Richard raised Avery and he took the responsibilities when Amanda’s left them. Amanda left them because she needs to work in other country. Richard is a manager of an exclusive Restaurant somewhere in California. Richard took the place of being mother since Amanda left them. As a father of a lovely child like Avery, he needs to be strict sometimes to her. Richard never lacks on the needs of his lovely daughter. He always gives the needs and wants of a teenager like his daughter. They really love each other, father and daughter relationship.
The story begins in one evening of September when Avery was doing something on her bed before she goes to sleep, with no particular reason Avery looked over at the radio, all she can hear is only static and she decided to switch it off. Her father came to her room to check if she is still awake. Richard kissed the forehead of Avery. The next day, early in the morning Avery woke up. She went to a flower shop to buy a surprised gift for her father. She bought a bouquet of beautiful red roses for her lovely father. All of a sudden, while walking someone’s called her
name. She followed the voice call. She saw a pretty woman. She asked the woman if she knows her. All of a sudden the pretty woman begins to cry without particular reason. “You already grew up Avery” said pretty woman. The pretty woman acts so strange on Avery. Avery doesn’t have any idea why this pretty woman is crying in front of her. “Avery is that you?” the pretty woman asked Avery. “I’m so happy to see you again” she added. Avery starts questioning the pretty woman, “Sorry ma’am, do I know you?” The pretty woman keeps on crying. “Do you know my father?” Avery asked the pretty woman. “Yes I know him very well” she replied. Avery invited her to come with her to their house so she can visit her father. But the pretty woman refused to come with her. Avery now finally asked the name of the pretty woman, “By the way ma’am, what’s your name?” the pretty woman answered “I’m Annie, you can call me Annie”. Avery finally went home after that strangeness happened to her at the flower shop. Avery prepared surprise birthday presentation for her father at home. She switched off the lights of their home and waited for her father to arrive. After almost an hour of waiting, Avery heard a car that was coming outside their house and she was very excited because she knows that it’s her father. Richard finally arrived at their home but he was confused because it’s too dark inside their home. Richard starts shouting “Avery, are you home? Daddy’s here”. Avery appeared in surprise and gave the bouquet of beautiful red roses to her father and greeted him “Happy Birthday Daddy”.
Richard was totally surprised of what Avery did to him. They celebrated the day with full of happiness. While Avery washing the dishes, she remembered the woman she met earlier in the morning at the flower shop. “Dad, I met a woman at the flower shop and she said that she knows you very well, her name was Annie”. Richard was thinking who that Annie is. While thinking, one name comes into his mind, Amanda. “You know Dad, she acts so strange, she cried in front of me and
told me that I grew up already” Avery said. Richard was thinking so deep “Amanda’s here, but why she didn’t tell me that she’s coming back?” After their conversations about Annie (Amanda), Avery goes to her room and sleep. Richard was thinking all night about Amanda, until Avery was knocking on his room and asked him if he is awake, because Avery’s late in school. It was already morning, Richard didn’t notice. He had now a problem “How can I tell to Avery that the woman she was talking to was her mother, Amanda?”
While in school, Avery was still thinking the woman she met “Why I have this strange feeling about that woman?” Avery questioned herself. Avery’s thinking so deep. Her classmate Casey arrived and tapped her on her shoulder. Avery went home early after her class. She saw Annie inside their house talking to her father. Avery doesn’t have any idea what they are talking about. Her father talked to her and tries to explain to her everything. Avery was shocked and surprised on the revelations that her father made. Annie was her mother and Amanda is her real name. Avery was so mad on both of them. In the next morning, an accident happened to his father. Richard was hospitalized because of the car accident.
Avery rush to go to the hospital where her father checked in. She saw Amanda standing outside the room of her father. The doctor told them that Richard is now away from the danger, Avery’s father is fine. Avery say sorry to her father and her mother Amanda. They hugged each other and then they became a happy family.
Characters:
Avery – daughter
Richard – Father
Amanda/Annie – Mother
Casey – Friend of Avery
Neighbor – Neighbor in a hurry
The main character of the story is Avery, 17 years old high school student who really loves her father that raised her until the day she met finally her mother that abandoned them for so how many years. The main character Avery is a teenager, she portrayed the usually characteristics of being a teenager. I think the main character involved with an internal conflict, because Avery the main character deals with the problems of how she can accept the truth she found out. Avery was dealing on how she can accept her mother in spite of the lies and how she can give forgiveness for her mother. The main character deals in a difficult situation that needs to decide and to accept. Other characters in the story made and helped the main character to decide on the situation they are dealing with. On the first part of the story, the author tried to illustrate the personality and even the physical looks of the main character same as the other characters. The author created a character that maybe represents the usual problem of some teenagers. The main character at the last part of the story accepted and faced the truth she was dealing with.
Plot:
The conflict of the story starts when Avery the main character met a woman at the flower shop who named Annie (Amanda). Annie acted so strange to Avery. The conflict starts in an awkward incident. The story is some kind of interesting. The conflict becomes intensified when the main character shared her problems to other characters. The climax of the story is the time when the main character starts to understand and fix the situation that she’s dealing with. The climax is an insight
because the main character involved in a situation. The story included falling action because of the situation happened on the story that made the main character and other characters feel relieved. The story ends in a happy ending.
Point of View:
The narrator of the story is the author. The author represents an Omniscient third person point of view. Because the author created characters and didn’t include herself as one of the character. In some point, maybe the character experienced something like what happened on her short story that’s why she is too inspired to create this kind of piece. If the point of view of the author would be change maybe she will give herself a chance to put in herself to the personality of the main character or maybe she will be the main character.
Remarks:
Based on what I have read, I am happy. First of all it is because the story ends in a happy ending. I believed that the author is some kind of a family oriented. Up to the last part of the story the author shows how important the love of family especially the important of their relationship. As I read the short story, I was able to relate to the author’s want to share the deeper meaning of love of family. Even the main character was some kind of a rebel teenager, at the end she was still accepted the truth. As a reader, I like the story. The author gave me more ideas how to write and create more stories especially short stories. In terms of grammar, construction of the sentence and other structure, I don’t have any bad comment except for the wrong spelling of other words may be it’s just a typo grammatical error. Good choice of words, easy to read and easy to understand. I believe that the author can write more good short stories like this piece. I gave 95% for the author’s work. Good work, good job.
Union City, California. House. Flower Shop. School. Hospital.
In Union City, California, there is a 17-years old high school student named Avery. She is beautiful, her hair is long and blonde. She has blue eyes, white and firm skin. She has sharp nose, her lips are kissable red as an apple. She has also had rosy cheeks and has a tiny mole on part of her chin. Fourteen years ago, when Avery was only three years old and a cute little child, her mother named Amanda abandoned her together with her father who named Richard. Richard raised Avery and he took the responsibilities when Amanda’s left them. Amanda left them because she needs to work in other country. Richard is a manager of an exclusive Restaurant somewhere in California. Richard took the place of being mother since Amanda left them. As a father of a lovely child like Avery, he needs to be strict sometimes to her. Richard never lacks on the needs of his lovely daughter. He always gives the needs and wants of a teenager like his daughter. They really love each other, father and daughter relationship.
The story begins in one evening of September when Avery was doing something on her bed before she goes to sleep, with no particular reason Avery looked over at the radio, all she can hear is only static and she decided to switch it off. Her father came to her room to check if she is still awake. Richard kissed the forehead of Avery. The next day, early in the morning Avery woke up. She went to a flower shop to buy a surprised gift for her father. She bought a bouquet of beautiful red roses for her lovely father. All of a sudden, while walking someone’s called her
name. She followed the voice call. She saw a pretty woman. She asked the woman if she knows her. All of a sudden the pretty woman begins to cry without particular reason. “You already grew up Avery” said pretty woman. The pretty woman acts so strange on Avery. Avery doesn’t have any idea why this pretty woman is crying in front of her. “Avery is that you?” the pretty woman asked Avery. “I’m so happy to see you again” she added. Avery starts questioning the pretty woman, “Sorry ma’am, do I know you?” The pretty woman keeps on crying. “Do you know my father?” Avery asked the pretty woman. “Yes I know him very well” she replied. Avery invited her to come with her to their house so she can visit her father. But the pretty woman refused to come with her. Avery now finally asked the name of the pretty woman, “By the way ma’am, what’s your name?” the pretty woman answered “I’m Annie, you can call me Annie”. Avery finally went home after that strangeness happened to her at the flower shop. Avery prepared surprise birthday presentation for her father at home. She switched off the lights of their home and waited for her father to arrive. After almost an hour of waiting, Avery heard a car that was coming outside their house and she was very excited because she knows that it’s her father. Richard finally arrived at their home but he was confused because it’s too dark inside their home. Richard starts shouting “Avery, are you home? Daddy’s here”. Avery appeared in surprise and gave the bouquet of beautiful red roses to her father and greeted him “Happy Birthday Daddy”.
Richard was totally surprised of what Avery did to him. They celebrated the day with full of happiness. While Avery washing the dishes, she remembered the woman she met earlier in the morning at the flower shop. “Dad, I met a woman at the flower shop and she said that she knows you very well, her name was Annie”. Richard was thinking who that Annie is. While thinking, one name comes into his mind, Amanda. “You know Dad, she acts so strange, she cried in front of me and
told me that I grew up already” Avery said. Richard was thinking so deep “Amanda’s here, but why she didn’t tell me that she’s coming back?” After their conversations about Annie (Amanda), Avery goes to her room and sleep. Richard was thinking all night about Amanda, until Avery was knocking on his room and asked him if he is awake, because Avery’s late in school. It was already morning, Richard didn’t notice. He had now a problem “How can I tell to Avery that the woman she was talking to was her mother, Amanda?”
While in school, Avery was still thinking the woman she met “Why I have this strange feeling about that woman?” Avery questioned herself. Avery’s thinking so deep. Her classmate Casey arrived and tapped her on her shoulder. Avery went home early after her class. She saw Annie inside their house talking to her father. Avery doesn’t have any idea what they are talking about. Her father talked to her and tries to explain to her everything. Avery was shocked and surprised on the revelations that her father made. Annie was her mother and Amanda is her real name. Avery was so mad on both of them. In the next morning, an accident happened to his father. Richard was hospitalized because of the car accident.
Avery rush to go to the hospital where her father checked in. She saw Amanda standing outside the room of her father. The doctor told them that Richard is now away from the danger, Avery’s father is fine. Avery say sorry to her father and her mother Amanda. They hugged each other and then they became a happy family.
Characters:
Avery – daughter
Richard – Father
Amanda/Annie – Mother
Casey – Friend of Avery
Neighbor – Neighbor in a hurry
The main character of the story is Avery, 17 years old high school student who really loves her father that raised her until the day she met finally her mother that abandoned them for so how many years. The main character Avery is a teenager, she portrayed the usually characteristics of being a teenager. I think the main character involved with an internal conflict, because Avery the main character deals with the problems of how she can accept the truth she found out. Avery was dealing on how she can accept her mother in spite of the lies and how she can give forgiveness for her mother. The main character deals in a difficult situation that needs to decide and to accept. Other characters in the story made and helped the main character to decide on the situation they are dealing with. On the first part of the story, the author tried to illustrate the personality and even the physical looks of the main character same as the other characters. The author created a character that maybe represents the usual problem of some teenagers. The main character at the last part of the story accepted and faced the truth she was dealing with.
Plot:
The conflict of the story starts when Avery the main character met a woman at the flower shop who named Annie (Amanda). Annie acted so strange to Avery. The conflict starts in an awkward incident. The story is some kind of interesting. The conflict becomes intensified when the main character shared her problems to other characters. The climax of the story is the time when the main character starts to understand and fix the situation that she’s dealing with. The climax is an insight
because the main character involved in a situation. The story included falling action because of the situation happened on the story that made the main character and other characters feel relieved. The story ends in a happy ending.
Point of View:
The narrator of the story is the author. The author represents an Omniscient third person point of view. Because the author created characters and didn’t include herself as one of the character. In some point, maybe the character experienced something like what happened on her short story that’s why she is too inspired to create this kind of piece. If the point of view of the author would be change maybe she will give herself a chance to put in herself to the personality of the main character or maybe she will be the main character.
Remarks:
Based on what I have read, I am happy. First of all it is because the story ends in a happy ending. I believed that the author is some kind of a family oriented. Up to the last part of the story the author shows how important the love of family especially the important of their relationship. As I read the short story, I was able to relate to the author’s want to share the deeper meaning of love of family. Even the main character was some kind of a rebel teenager, at the end she was still accepted the truth. As a reader, I like the story. The author gave me more ideas how to write and create more stories especially short stories. In terms of grammar, construction of the sentence and other structure, I don’t have any bad comment except for the wrong spelling of other words may be it’s just a typo grammatical error. Good choice of words, easy to read and easy to understand. I believe that the author can write more good short stories like this piece. I gave 95% for the author’s work. Good work, good job.